On the eve of his sentencing, the entertainment mogul addressed a court official on Thursday that he is a new man after realizing that he was "fundamentally shattered" and contemplating at times if he was better deceased.
At age fifty-five, wrote in a letter to Judge Arun Subramanian saying that with his mind clear of drugs and alcohol after a twelve months incarceration, he can see how deteriorated he had become before his late summer apprehension in a legal matter that led to his judicial determination on two prostitution-related counts. His penalty proceeding will commence on Friday morning.
"Over the past year there have been so many times that I wanted to quit. There have been some days I thought I would be better off dead. The old me died in jail and a transformed individual of me was reborn. Detention will change you or kill you – I opt for existence," he said.
A court panel in midsummer acquitted Combs on sex-trafficking and organized crime charges, meaning he won't face a lifetime imprisonment. The sex trade offenses each carry a severest sentence of a decade imprisonment.
Combs's lawyers say he should gain liberty this month, arguing his annual imprisonment has been sufficient punishment, while state lawyers want at least over a decade imprisonment.
Combs expressed that the recent biennial period had been the most difficult of his life, "and I have no one to blame for my current reality and situation but myself."
"In my life, I have made many errors, but I am no longer escaping them," he wrote. "I profoundly apologize for the suffering I created, but I understand that the basic expressions 'I'm sorry' will never be good enough as these words alone cannot erase the pain from the past."
Combs expressed regret for beating, kicking and dragging his former partner Casandra "Cassie" Ventura at a LA accommodation in 2016 – an violent incident captured on monitoring recording shown to court members repeatedly during his two-month trial.
"The scene and images of me harming Cassie repeatedly appear in my head each day," Combs wrote. "I completely lost control. I was completely mistaken for putting my hands on the woman that I loved. I'm sorry for that and permanently remorseful."
Combs also expressed regret to a woman who testified under the pseudonym Jane, saying that "following her court statement, I realized that I harmed her. For this I am profoundly apologetic."
Combs wrote that "the regret, the grief, the penitence, the letdown, the disgrace" from his behavior has made it "challenging for personal absolution."
"It is like a deep wound that leaves an unattractive mark," he said. "I strayed from my path. I got lost in my journey. Lost in the drugs and the excess. My decline stemmed from personal greed."
In jail, Combs said, he has been perusing, composing, physical training and instructing a forty-two-day class to other prisoners, Entrepreneurial Wisdom from Diddy, imparting his business wisdom, as well as lessons learned from his wrongdoings and setbacks.
He is also participating in counseling, he said, to address his former narcotics dependency and rage concerns. He is substance-free for the premier instance in two-and-a-half decades and is committed to working "to avoid similar wrongdoings in future," he wrote.
Combs told the judicial officer that he was pleading for compassion, not only for his own person but for his multiple offspring and his elderly parent, for whom he had been the chief provider. While incarcerated, he said, he failed to attend proms and completion ceremonies and essential stages of his young child's maturation.
"While composing this correspondence, I am terrified. Scared to spend another second away from my mother and my children," Combs wrote. "I no longer care about the money or the fame. My family represents ultimate priority."
He said the environment of incarceration at a East Coast correctional institution are "inhumane," writing that he is locked in a room with multiple detainees, with no windows, no clean air, a malfunctioning laundry equipment and H2O needing sterilization.
Combs swore to never commit a crime again, telling the judge that since he has been in jail he has gone through a "inner renewal."
Rather than use him as a deterrent with a extended imprisonment, Combs pleaded with the judge to "make me an example of what a person can do if afforded a second chance."
"Should you permit my return to relatives, I vow I will not let you down and I will create pride," he wrote.
